As a public service, here is Lesson #1 in traffic laws of 2009. Please read carefully and apply in your daily driving.

-It is absolutely vital that you follow the car in front of you as close as possible, even if the car in front of you is in a tight line with cars in front of them. The closer you follow, the more likely that entire queue in front of you will disappear. When the driver in front of you gestures for you to back off, it is your duty to be aghast at their rudeness and shake your head and fist in disbelief.

-When on an interstate or other limited access highway, the larger the vehicle you are operating, the further to the left you should be. The intent here is for you to drive as slow as possible, thus causing a long line of vehicles as mentioned above. You are singlehandedly allowing the previous scenario to happen! Most preferred left lane vehicles are church vans, utility trucks and wreckers.

-Placing an inspirational sticker or tag on your car automatically makes everything you do on the road forgivable. A vanity plate/decal expressing your faith is especially effective in removing responsibility. Of course you are cutting people off because you want them to see the back of your car and be inspired. You are saving souls with your haphazard driving and there is a special place waiting for you in the next life.

-It is absolutely mandatory to talk on your cellphone whenver operating a car. This is clearly a safety matter. If you were in a wreck, how else would anyone know if you weren't already on the phone to tell someone? There is no telling how many lives have been saved by people on the phone with people having automobile wrecks. Someday the cars will drive/steer themselves so that using a steering wheel and watching the road will be a nuisance of the past. Then both hands will be free for not only your phone, but also your cigarette, coffee, make-up, burger, etc. No longer will those important "Oh no he didn't" conversations at 7:30am have to be interrupted by the intrusive horn honk of the car you almost side-swiped. Do those people not realize that it's hard to carry on a conversation while they're making all that racket? At least you've already got someone on the line to tell about the rude behavior of those people who insist on driving without talking on the phone unless absolutely necessary.